Burn down the Garden..

So I am now 21 years old and divorced. Amazing I know.

Hope is a hard thing to hold on to when something really bad happens in your life. I feel like I have this small slowly dying flame that has been dwindling since childhood. What do you do when you feel like your whole world has crumbled around you. When you have nothing really good and pure going for you. Do you turn to religion? If so which one? The one who scarred your insides so deeply as a child or the one that scarred you physically as an adult.
Which vice do you hold on to? Drinking? Drugs? Cutting?
All of these questions bounce around in your head and you have no one who can answer them for you. The generic, "It will be okay; things will get better," speech hold no value to me anymore. I put everything I was into a marriage that was doomed from the moment I set foot into it. How do you come back from that?

Was it  my fault? Could I have done something different? Better? How can some child make him happier than I. After six years I knew everything and vice versa. How do you just move on from that? Wipe out all of the dreams I gave up on to be with him? How do you just forget about six years?

Holding back the pain and tears seems to bring me back to my past. Let down by the one who was supposed to hold you up and keep you safe... An imaginary knight in shining armor.. When the drinking is done, the trail of broken hearts left; who do you lay down with at night. That horrible middle moment when you are utterly and completely alone in the dark. Forced to lay and remember every mistake that happened in your life. You think about how your gut was telling you not too but you did it anyways. Why would you not listen to your heart? Your instincts. They are never wrong...

Now you feel yourself enveloped by this silent darkness and you feel your breath begin to waver. You want to roll over and grab the one thing that holds together your sanity. The thing that makes you numb but so many people would ask questions or worse, make you explain. How do you explain that your insides feel like ashes crumbling down into your stomach? Or that you don't want to breath some days just because you know it's another day that you have to live with your mistakes?
How you can't call in sick to work because that means you lay here all day thinking about all of the people who are lost to you because you are trying to keep yourself from self destructing again. How no "friend" actually knows what you are talking about because you never told any friends about your deep dark secret. The drug that keeps you sane, keeps you breathing another day. Why can't you stop.....Why can't you keep the happiness that visits most days? Why can't I figure it out and  be happy?